Monday, February 16, 2015

Gifts I give myself

Clean sheets
A day off
Bare countertops
Vacuuming under the furniture
Going to bed an hour early
Looking at the sky
Mending my clothes
Polishing my shoes
Oiling my skin
Cooking for myself
A conversation with a friend
A pot of tea
Solo vacations
Dining out alone
Long walks
Ironing everything in the closet
Window-shopping when I don't want to spend, and listing the items I'm most interested in for when I have money and inclination but no creativity or wisdom: personal collection development so the purchase order process can be cranked out later
Doing something scary
Learning something new
Practicing a skill 
Deciding not to be angry
Deciding not to be afraid
Giving not what is expected, but what gives me joy to give

Belief in myself. Not in what I will do at some future date, or my character, but in the choices I have already made, and in my wisdom to give myself good and perfect gifts, that are not merely shiny in the package but solidly pleasant. The most important gift I can give myself is the faith that the choices I have made have been good for me, the correct choices, that where I am at this moment is true, and where I am supposed to be. Whether someone else is jealous and wants my life is not what makes my life valuable - it's what makes another person unhappy. Belief in myself is the detachment from others' jealousy, both as a misguided sign that I matter and as a sin I must somehow repay. And the past pieces I look at with embarrassment and chagrin, were steps to get here, to this moment of being in the right place. I know myself. I believe in my own path. 

"The tight place, the dark pit in which I am now lying, of what bird is it the talon?" 

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